i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
