Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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