So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
