Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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