i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
