She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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