I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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