Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
