There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
