his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize