Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
