She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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