areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
