my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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