remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
