Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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