Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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