so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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