I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
