I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
