Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
