Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The uberlube is also flammable
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize