theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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