What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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