Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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