Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
