I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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