I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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