Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
