A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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