How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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