I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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