Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
