i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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