What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize