I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
