That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
