I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
