A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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