Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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