After last night, I could never be a politician.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
