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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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