I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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