I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
