It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
