i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
