dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
