I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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