just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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