it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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