If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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