google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
