so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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