I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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