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my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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