Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
