Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
