Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize