last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
