I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
