Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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