You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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