Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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