I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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