1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Pappa wants mamma naked
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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