: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
