It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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