we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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