Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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