I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize