____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
